


Knock Knock

by shushu_yaoi_lj



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: BIG ONES, Canon Compliant, Chocolate mousse, Crack, Fluff, IKEA Furniture, M/M, Misunderstandings, Post-Book 2: Wayward Son, are all Swedish people engineers?, questionable leggings, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:54:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28031973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shushu_yaoi_lj/pseuds/shushu_yaoi_lj
Summary: Five times Baz thinks he's caught Simon and Shep in a compromising situation and one time he ends up in one.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 17
Kudos: 78
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2020





	Knock Knock

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire/gifts).



> For the Carry On Countdown prompt: Misunderstanding.
> 
> Huge thanks to the super lovely [ commeunoasis ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/commeunoasis/pseuds/commeunoasis) and [ Theawkwardbibliophile ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theawkwardbibliophile) for their help and support with this fic.
> 
> Di, I really hope that you like it! I swear it’s the one of the silliest things I’ve ever come up with, but I hope it makes you laugh.

**Baz**

I knock, but nobody answers. I can definitely hear some noises coming from inside, so I open the door and then I stop in my tracks.

“Fuck, Simon!” Shepard groans, his voice coming from Simon’s bedroom, loud and clear, “there! Oh my god, put your hand there and start pushing.”

I frown and wonder what the fuck is going on here. They’ve been spending an awful lot of time together lately, but I thought Simon and Shep were just friends, or “bros” as the American says.

But the noises coming from the bedroom tell me otherwise.

I get my wand out, ready the curse the Normal’s dick off.

“Shit,” Simon moans, “having your hand there feels so wrong, but I like this. Don’t stop.”

I take a deep breath and decide to barge in, trying to determine who I’m going to curse first. I open the door and find them on the floor, a tangle of bodies on a Twister mat. Shep’s leg is above Simon’s head, his elbow is trying to reach for a red dot on the mat, and his hand has somehow ended up stuck under my boyfriend’s foot.

“What in Crowley’s name are you two morons doing?” I ask, crossing my arms.

“Baz! We’re playing Twister,” Simon beams at me, “want to join us?”

I shake my head and go to the kitchen. I need a cup of tea.

**Penelope**

I get out of the Tube and cast a cleaning spell on my clothes. I stink of stale air and angry commuters. It’s pouring down and I forgot my umbrella.

“Penelope!” Baz calls my name and his dark brolly covers my head.

“Thank you,” I smile at him as we walk together to my block of flats. He looks tired, but happy to be here (he always looks like a cheerful puppy when he comes to see Simon). We climb the stairs discussing exams and our respective reading lists and then I put the key in the lock and open the door. We both freeze as we take our shoes off.

“You’ve got me tied up and I’m at your mercy now. What are you going to do to me?” Simon screams from my bedroom. An obscene moan follows and I can hear Shep’s deep chuckle.

“You’re mine now, I can do whatever I want to you.”

I look up at Baz and he’s even paler than usual (is that even possible?). He holds his umbrella so tight that it snaps in half with a loud crack, making me jump.

“Fuck, Shep! Not that!” Simon groans, “put that rod down. It’s too big for me, I beg you!”

“You know I love making you beg.”

_I’m going to spell his balls off._

“I’m going to shove it down your-“ Baz lets out an animalistic growl and dives at the speed of light, opening the door and revealing our boyfriends sitting on the bed, playing video games.

They raise matching surprised looks in our direction and smile at us.

“Hey, Penny! Want to join us? I’m just about to hit Simon with my magical shaft and finish him off.”

I need something strong.

“Fancy a drink?” I ask Baz and he simply nods.

**Baz**

I have a key to Simon’s flat. He gave it to me as a Christmas present and I nearly proposed to him.

I wonder if I should knock, but he told me to just come straight in and promised that he would be waiting for me on his bed. I’m already half-hard just thinking about him naked and with his arse in the air.

I let myself in and take my shoes off and then head to his bedroom.

“Fuck, Shep! There, I love the way you’re stretching me,” Simon moans and then groans deeply.

Not again, I think and wait, imagining the worst-case scenario. Shep came home early and found my boyfriend naked and ready in bed and decided to take advantage of the situation. They’ve been seeing each other behind my back for months. Fuck, what if they want a threesome? I’m not sharing Simon with anyone!

“Are you sure that’s not too much? Too deep?” Shep asks and I feel the need to break something. Really really badly.

“No, aaaah,” my boyfriend whines, “I like the burn.”

I grab a chair and throw it across the room. It smashes against the wall with a loud crash and then there’s silence. I finally manage to move and my trembling fingers open the door of Simon’s room.

Nothing could have prepared me for the sight that welcomes me.

Shep is wearing a pair of lime green leggings, so tight that they leave very little to the imagination. He’s pushing Simon’s back down, towards the yoga mat he’s sitting on. My stupid dragon is sweating so much and his muscles must hurt like hell, because he’s cursing under his breath.

“Fuck, I’m so out of shape,” he mutters.

I should definitely start knocking.

**Agatha**

I have no idea why on earth they thought it would be appropriate to invite me to Baz’s birthday party. I mean, he’s my ex’s current boyfriend. What the actual fuck?

I meet the party boy as I’m about to ring the doorbell.

“Wait, should you be here?” I ask him, “I thought it was supposed to be a surprise birthday party.”

“I actually helped Simon organise it, because he had a meltdown halfway through,” he explains, holding a bag full of party hats and snacks.

We open the door and hear the loudest and most obscene sound coming from the kitchen.

“Fuck me, this is soooo good,” Simon moans and my eyes open wide. I stare at Baz and he frowns.

“Yes, Simon, like that! Suck on it, you know you like the way it tastes!”

I didn’t know Shep and Simon were an item. How many guys is my ex shagging? Oh well, whatever floats his boat, I guess…

Baz doesn’t seem to be so chilled about it. He throws the bag he was carrying and he nearly destroys the kitchen door as he barges in.

“What in Crowley’s name is going on here?” he shouts and then stops in his tracks. I peek over his shoulders and I spot Simon, frozen to the spot, a chocolate moustache on his face as his spoon drips mousse onto the floor.

“Baz, you were not supposed to see the cake!” shouts Shep, shoving us out of the kitchen and closing the door behind us.

“Happy birthday, I guess,” I say, taking one of the discarded party hats and handing it to him.

**Baz**

I manage to get out of work an hour early and head for the flat. Our flat. I still can’t believe we’re moving in together, after all this time. And that Simon was the one who asked me to. But we’ve been through so much and we’ve both worked so hard on rebuilding our relationship and being better boyfriends.

We deserve to finally be happy, don’t we?

I bought his favourite dessert and I’m going to order some food from the Thai restaurant around the corner. He said he was sorting out the bedroom furniture since he had a day off and I’m hoping we’re going to spend our first night here. The very first night together in our new home.

I open the door with a silly smile on my face and then stop in my tracks.

“Simon, nearly there! Oh my god, a little to the left,” comes Shep’s strained voice from the bedroom. Our bedroom.

What the fuck.

“You need to relax,” Simon grunts, “and I’ll push harder. Merlin, you’re so sweaty!”

I take a deep breath and try not to jump to conclusions.

“Come on, give it to me!” Shep shouts.

“Fuuuuck! What was the word? Fjällbod! FJÄLLBOD!!”

Shit, they even have a safe word!

I use my vampire speed to run to the bedroom and then I stop after I’ve opened the door. They are both pushing our new Ikea shelf against the wall, but they must have built it wrong, because it’s all wonky and about to fall apart.

They stare at me. I lift one of my eyebrows.

“You’re the worst pair of morons I’ve ever met,” I mutter.

“Oi, how dare you call my bro a moron?” Shep says, outraged.

“Baz, I think we need your help,” Simon says, struggling to hold the shelf, “the instructions are impossible to follow. Swedish people must all be bloody engineers! But we need magic to get this fucking shelf sorted.” 

I sigh and get my wand out of my sleeve.

**Simon**

“Wait a second,” I tell him, trying to catch my breath and failing as I laugh so hard that my stomach hurts, “you thought I was cheating on you? With Shep?!”

Baz turns the loveliest shade of pink (he’s fed really well and looks stunning this evening) (who am I kidding? He always looks stunning).

He shakes his head and starts clearing the dinner table.

“I thought you were supposed to be the smart one,” I tease him, “how could you even possibly think that I would have sex with Shep? He’s my best friend. Male one, at least.”

“I thought I was your best friend,” he mutters, looking vaguely upset, so I grab his wrist and pull him towards me, making him sit in my lap, circling his waist with my arms.

“You’re the love of my life,” I tell him, my lips brushing against his, “and my best friend in the world. And I would never cheat on you, because I love you more than anything else.”

His grey eyes open wide and he licks his lips.

“More than butter?” he whispers and I start laughing again.

“Yes, more than butter. More than sour cherry scones with butter on top!”

“You must love me an awful lot then,” he whispers, his forehead resting against mine.

“I do,” I reply, a smile on my face. My lips finally meet his and he lets out a little moan into my mouth. My fingers slide into his soft dark hair, gently tugging at the nape of his neck to bring him closer. I can feel him getting harder against me.

His hands slide under my t-shirt and he flicks his thumb over my nipple, making me shudder.

“Shall we go to our bedroom and test the new Ikea bed?” I ask, panting.

I find myself naked on the bed in less than a minute. He must have used his vampire speed again.

Merlin, I love him so much.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments make a happy bunny.


End file.
